It’s been over 24 hours since I received the news. I’m one of those people who think that others overuse the “remember where you were” phrase. I’m of the belief you save that for the moments that make the world pause. January 26, 2020 was one of those days that I’ll always remember everything about that moment. Sitting on the couch, I was finishing up a Rueben, watching Recess on Disney+. I was preparing for a nap because I wanted to make sure I was rested so I could stay up to watch WWE’s Royal Rumble. Just as I was about to get up, a friend tweeted at me with a link. I read the link and immediately dismissed it. “Ain’t no way” I tweeted. Too many times I’ve seen hoaxes on the internet and I refused to believe it. But more tweets, more reports, and then worst of all, the confirmation. Kobe Bryant was gone. It’s been over 24 hours since I received the news and the only thing I know for a fact is that I’m angry.

I’m angry that I’m at this laptop typing these words. It simply doesn’t make sense to me, it hasn’t fully registered, and I’m not sure if it ever will. For years, he had taken his private helicopter as transportation. What happened on this random Sunday? I hear the talk about the smoke and mirrors, but I don’t like that as the answer. Answers that I probably will never receive.

It upsets me that my friends keep checking on me. That’s the wrong way to put it. To rephrase, I’m angry the effect that people we’ve never met in person have on us. They’re all great friends to know that this tragedy would do THIS to me. I don’t quite understand, but it’s also been the elephant in the room. Why do we care so much? We don’t have any knowledge of each other so why do I feel the way that I do? A good friend of me sent me a text me and said something profound that I don’t think we’ve really ever thought about. He said:

“Our heroes aren’t supposed to die.”

And he’s right. That’s not to say that they’re immortal in reality; everyone has to die. What I took from that is our heroes are supposed to be able to live their lives fully and then die of old age. They aren’t supposed to die in sad, horrific ways like this. I’ve always tried to prepare for the worst in situations—that way I can never be surprised. Death is - a lot of times - sudden and doesn’t give people the appropriate time to prepare. So you’re left lying in bed, trying to take a nap, but your mind won’t let you.

If I’m being honest—I’m also a little angry at God (again). The great leaders constantly preach that He never makes a mistake and the He does all things for a reason. It’s one thing to take a hero of mine, someone who inspired me and countless other basketball players around the world. But what reason can you give me for taking his 13-year-old daughter Gianna, who had so much potential to be great and a positive force in the world one day? Why take other people…and children…in one swoop? What possible plan could that be? Gianna’s death hurts so much because I could see how much she was loving the time with her dad as they bonded over something he did for half his life. You could see the similarities in her game, you could see how Kobe would beam when talking about her. We were a few short years away from the Mambacita being a real force in the basketball world. And just like that, He took that away. And then so many deaths rush back to my mind: my grandmother and great-grandmother in the fall of 2007, my friend Sarah in 2013, my aunt and grandfather within 2 weeks in 2017. I had chalked it up to His plan, but at this moment in time, I’m just angry because I know there’s more to come and I can’t do anything to stop it.

I’m infuriated with media in general. I watched as in dreaded anticipation for accurate news to be reported. Instead of focusing on providing accuracy, it seemed as if it was a race to just provide the story first. And it was disgusting. Years ago, I loved social media because it allowed me to see the news that I wanted. However, news today has been minimized to only a headline that’s just a retweet away, without a care in the world if its accurate or for the sake of the families involved. I’m angry at those who took the time during this tragedy to bring up Kobe’s past or took the time to make light or joke about the incident. No one takes anything serious—even death—anymore and for you to stand on your soapbox when families lost loved ones is one of the lowest things I’ve seen and further proves why I don’t have much faith in humanity.

Lastly, I’m beyond angry with myself; for not getting the chance to go watch Kobe play, something that I will never get the chance too now. For not taking the time to read his book and watch his post-basketball career work. For participating in debates that you yourself thought were meaningless. For being afraid up until today to get back on the basketball court after tearing my Achilles, even after watching you come back from that very injury (and multiple others). But from this day forward, I have no choice but to adopt the drive, the will, the Mamba Mentality of Kobe “Black Mamba” Bryant in all the things that I do. Whether that’s in basketball, writing, being a father, and the list goes on. One of my favorite quotes by Kobe is something we should all move forward in our lives in everything we do because we should all want to live our lives like the greatest competitor who ever stepped foot on the basketball court.

“If you’re not about winning, then why are you here?”

In a few days, I’ll probably start to feel a little better. I’ll probably begin to plan out how I can follow in his footsteps to my own path of greatness, no matter how small those goals may be. I’ll be able to watch highlights again, I might even get back to having fun debates again (no more comparisons though). But for now, I’m just angry.